Tips for Effective Co-Parenting When You’reNot Besties With Your Ex

Jul 17

Does successful co-parenting mean I have to be “friends” with my ex?

Dealing with co-parenting post-breakup can be challenging, especially when things end on a sour note. But here’s the silver lining: it’s possible to maintain a positive co-parenting dynamic despite any lingering hard feelings.

Right now, you might have this ideal image of being buddies with your ex. Or maybe it's hard to imagine continuing any relationship with them after all the hurt and changes. The reality often paints a different picture. Coming to terms with this reality can be tough, especially when you realize that your ex might not be on the same page. Nevertheless, you keep pushing forward. As a co-parenting specialist, I’ve seen this time and again with my clients.

Staying Friends After a Divorce

It's totally okay if you can't keep that close bond with your ex. While some people manage to stay friends post-divorce, it's not a one-size-fits-all scenario. You don't have to force a failed marriage into a deep friendship to co-parent effectively.

On the reverse side, some studies show that staying friends after a breakup is doable. In some research, around 59% to 65% of people remained pals after splitting up.¹

Researchers found four main reasons why exes might want to stay friends:

1. Feeling secure

2. Practical reasons (like kids)

3. Being civil

4. Unresolved romantic feelings

However, it's often smoother sailing for co-parenting if you don’t let your friendship complicate things. Especially when it comes to that last point—unresolved romantic feelings. Since every couple has a different story, the best thing you can do is have the healthiest relationship possible for your kids’ sake (whether you remain friends or not).

Co-Parenting Without Being Besties Can Be the Best Option

When you and your ex just can’t see eye to eye, sometimes the best approach is prioritizing being great co-parents without being best buddies. It sounds simple but here's the thing.

Ending a relationship often leaves behind some negative feelings. This can be tough when kids are in the picture, and you're navigating co-parenting with someone you're no longer close to. You can’t navigate this like you’re still married—it’s got to be approached differently to work.

You also don't have to force a close friendship with your ex to make co-parenting work. Being pals with your ex isn't mandatory for successful co-parenting. Sometimes, it's okay to accept that turning a strained marriage into a deep friendship might not be in the cards when your focus is on effective co-parenting.

This can be a tough pill to swallow if you and your ex were best friends during your marriage or even before your marriage. But the reality is that as humans, we are constantly changing and shifting our mindsets. We are no longer who we used to be ten years ago. This isn't a bad thing, but it can mean that who you are today no longer aligns with who your ex is present day.

Even though it can be challenging, there are ways to thrive as co-parents, even if you're not hanging out or having long chats with your ex. While being besties with your ex isn't necessary, there are several things you can do to keep the focus on your #1 priority—your kids.

Approach the Situation With a Business Mindset

When you first split up, it's common to feel a bit overwhelmed by big emotions. You might worry about how your ex will react to certain things, like telling them about plans with your child.

During these times, it can help to treat your interactions like you would in a business setting. This means sticking to emails, keeping your tone neutral, and only sharing necessary information while setting clear boundaries.

In a successful co-parenting setup, it's important not to pry into each other's personal lives or question each other's plans during your time with the kids. Effective co-parenting boundaries mean only discussing essential matters.

Respect Your Ex

When you're co-parenting, it's important to keep things respectful with your ex, even if you're not on the best terms. Showing respect can really make a positive difference for kids that feel caught in the middle.

Talking badly about the other parent in front of your child can do more harm than good. It's not beneficial for the parent or child, and can even lead to parental alienation. This happens when one parent influences the child to turn against the other, causing a lot of stress, anxiety, confusion, and sometimes anger for the little one (and that's not what you want).

Studies have found that including kids into adult disagreements can make them feel powerless and insecure, making them doubt themselves.² So, it's super important to keep things civil between parents to protect the well-being of the children.

Maintain Open Lines of Communication

Having regular chats with your ex about important stuff can really help you both get on the same page when it comes to looking after the kids. Make sure to talk about how the kids are feeling, their behavior, any school issues, and any worries you both might have about your child.

Keeping the lines of communication open is key to being consistent, looking out for your kids, and building trust in your co-parenting relationship.

Importance of Consistent Parenting Approaches

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says that sticking to a similar parenting style after a divorce can really help kids.³ It's all about working together on rules and discipline that are the same in both homes. Stability helps make children feel more secure and less anxious during a time that has significant changes. That's why it's super important for both parents to agree and stick to the same limits and rules for the kids' sake. For example, if one parent lets them watch TV before bed, but the other doesn't, it can stress the kids out.

Parents should have conversations and agree about bedtime routines, homework expectations, how to discipline, and screen time limits. Keeping consistency across both households shows your kids you and your ex have a united front when it comes to their overall happiness and well-being.

Providing a Nurturing & Loving Environment for Your Kids

Handling the ups and downs of parenting through a tough and emotional time like divorce, can be a real challenge—but it’s totally doable. Co-parenting involves setting clear boundaries, showing respect, communicating openly, and staying consistent.

And maybe the best part is you don't have to be best buds with your ex to make co-parenting successful. By putting your kids first, placing personal stuff aside, and keeping those lines of communication open, you can create a solid and supportive environment for your children to thrive, no matter what.

Just remember, the main goal is to give your kids a loving and nurturing space, even when things get a little (or a lot) tough.

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