Why Co-Parenting Like You're Still Married Can Undermine Success

Sep 4

Transitions are difficult for most people. One of the most challenging shifts a parent has to make is transitioning from a married couple (in one home) to a co-parent (in two separate homes). Clinging to familiarity during this time may feel helpful, but it can have the opposite effect.

Co-parenting means building a new, supportive environment for your kids – even if it looks different from what you envisioned. Holding on to the way things were when you were married can do more harm than good.

Remember – change doesn’t have to be negative. Embracing change positively will help you and your co-parent approach this new chapter with flexibility and understanding, which are needed for you both to be on team kids.

Here are some things you and your co-parent can keep in mind when you’re making the shift to two households with your kids.

Understanding the Differences

A common challenge among co-parents is disagreeing with how the other parent does things in their home. While kids need to have structure between homes (consistent expectations around homework, bedtime, curfew, screentime, etc.), inevitably, things will be different.

For example, maybe Mom wants the kids to make their beds before school, but Dad doesn’t consider this important. When you were parenting under the same roof, one parent would likely get their way.

Now that you’re co-parents in two separate households, the kids will likely complain to Mom that Dad doesn’t care if they make their beds before school. And that’s ok – because Dad will prioritize things that aren’t as important to Mom.

Keep in mind that different isn’t bad. Co-parents must understand that it’s not productive to expect or demand that your co-parent operate the same way you do. It likely didn’t happen while you were married – why would it start now?

At the end of the day, as long as you and your co-parent agree on some fundamental rules, your kids won’t have the opportunity to pin the two of you against each other. As a result, they’ll feel like their parents are on the same team.

Inexperience Doesn’t Equal Incompetence

It’s only natural that married parents have their own roles in a household. When transitioning to two households, each parent will likely be responsible for something the other generally took care of while married.

For example, Dad may have gathered and packed all the sports equipment for practices and games. He may be having a hard time no longer packing the sports equipment when the kids are with Mom. He may not trust that Mom can do it correctly – which can cause a lot of conflict.

Whatever role you and your co-parent played in your household when you were married likely became part of your identity as a parent. It’s human nature to struggle when part of your identity is taken away.

But, each co-parent needs to trust that the other person is fully capable of doing the tasks they used to do. Inexperience doesn’t equal incompetence. In this case, Mom would benefit from Dad simply explaining to her what sports equipment needs to be packed, and she’ll take care of it.

Adapting to new roles as co-parents is a learning process. But trusting your co-parent’s capabilities (even when you’re no longer besties) is necessary.

Conflict Escalation and Inability to Adapt

If you act as if you’re still married to your co-parent, you’ll likely carry over ongoing arguments and conflict from your marriage. If you’re busy dealing with conflict and negativity, that makes it difficult to focus on what should be your #1 priority – your kids. This can create a stressful environment for everyone.

Transitioning from marriage to co-parent roles requires flexibility and adaptability. Try to think of this transition as a positive opportunity for growth. If you’re still clinging to your old marriage dynamics, it can be challenging to adapt to your new role as a co-parent.

Acting like you’re still married can also confuse your kids, especially if you and your co-parent struggle to get along. Confusion like this can make it hard for your kids to adjust to their new family structure. Your goal as co-parents should be to always make your kids feel comfortable, safe, and secure.

Embracing Change for a Healthier Co-Parent Future

Transitioning from a married couple to co-parents takes time and patience. As you navigate the changes, it’s important to remember something. Embracing change doesn’t mean you’re losing control or compromising on your values. You’re adapting to new circumstances and focusing on what truly matters – the health and well-being of your kids.

There’s no doubt the relationship with your co-parent will look different than what you envisioned when you were married. But by showing your kids you’re keeping a positive outlook and embracing change, you’re teaching them adaptability and resilience.

Some couples use a divorce coach or co-parenting specialist to help them through the transition from married couple to co-parents. This is very beneficial for couples who need help making decisions and avoiding conflict while also trying to stay a loving family.